Hopefully, an explanation - reverse culture shock sucks.

I AM: achy after squish squash.

It's been a while since I did this bloggering thing, huh? Well, I've been pretty busy since I got home, so we'll attribute it to that, and not just my inherent laziness. I think the only reason I've got round to it now it that my to do list has reached critical mass, so clearly i'm using all means possible to procrastinate.

I've just been proofreading Alison's dissertation, and it's got me thinking (watch out). Her subject is 'reverse culture shock' in students who have spent time abroad as part of their degree. Naturally, this rings a few bells with me at the moment, since I got home from one of these jaunts recently (ish - it's very hard to believe I left Adelaide over a month ago). It's nice to know other people feel like I do about it, but at the same time is rather sad.

One of the things Alison wrote about was feeling like there was a gap in your life that no one at home knew about, and that everyone at home had carried on without you. This is completely familiar to me - I feel like I must have been in a time warp or something. I keep trying to catch up with people, asking them what's been happening, and not getting anywhere because they've just been going about their normal lives and don't think that they have anything exciting to tell me. Equally, I'm struggling to share my experience because it was the ordinary day to day things that I most valued while away, and are the most cherished memories I have, and it's difficult to convey those things. One of the best days I had was the Sunday when I was just beginning to think about leaving. I went and had breakfast with all my Flinders friends and we spent the morning lounging about, eating pancakes, nattering and laughing. It sounds really silly, but even at the time I kept stepping back, trying to frame the scene in my head and being hugely grateful for my luck at having been adopted and made to feel at home by this great group of people.

Leaving was hugely difficult and sad for many reasons, but generally because I was talking about 'going home' but feeling like I was leaving a home, too. I was, and still am, amazed by how settled I became in such a short time. Leaving Adelaide felt like leaving St Andrews, where I'd had four fantastic years, built a whole life, etc etc. That says a very powerful and positive thing about how good an experience of studying and living abroad I had, but also means that I'm having a hard time now.

I know very well that a big contribution to this hard time has been made by A - having had to face up to some big personal things once I got back, and B - not enjoying my current uni placement at all. However, they aren't the sole reason i'm seeking out possibilities for returning soon, and on a longer-term basis. The damn Student Loan Co. have now decided I'm not eligible to recieve any money from their travel fund, which is very disappointing as it means an overseas elective in November is going to be financially very difficult or impossible, and this is NOT HELPING.

The flip side of all this missing Oz business is that I fear i'm being unfair to my friends and family here. I am very sorry about this, and am not doing it on purpose. I do love you all very much, am enjoying your company immensely, and really wish I didn't keep sounding like i'd leave you all behind without a second glance. Maybe once I get over the 're-acclimatisation' phase, I'll feel better and stop wanting to be somewhere else. For now, I'm sorry I'm sounding so ungrateful. I know I am lucky to have you all, and I know London is quite a cool place to be. I just wish I could make you understand that it's nothing personal, they aren't better than you, it's just that I've had a taste of 'other', learnt a million useful things about myself and what I want from life, and I'm hungry for more.