Scaredy-cat

I was going to write about my terror regarding tomorrow's OSCE. Then my lovely flatmate came home and caught me in tears over the stove, gave me a hug, listened to me rant and let me practice on her. Now, thankfully, I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing, so may not ramble so much. I am still quite worried, but have listened to advice and been reassured that I'm not awful, can get through the exam in one piece, and the world is not about to end.

That said, I do want to briefly share with you some reflection on my evening. I think the crunch point was when I realised that the reason I was so worked up was inexperience. Yes, I've taken exams like this before, been nauseously nervous beforehand, messed up bits of them entirely and hated every second - but i've always passed. More importantly, I've always gone in knowing that although I'd hate it, i'd probably pass.

This time is slightly different because for a large part of today, I have been very dubious about the likelihood of the aforementioned passing. This, it seems, is what moves exam fear from merely 'terrifying' to 'too terrifying to cope with all at once'. It's an odd feeling. I've always been pretty academically able, and even in my medicine class i'm average, but a safe pass. So it was pretty daunting this evening to realise that I was completely unsure of my ability to get through it. Hairy scary indeed. I'm suspicious that it's compounded by knowing that i'm now only a year from being an actual doctor and having some responsibility for being good enough to do it. I feel like I ought to be able to take histories, examine, diagnose and explain things without any trouble at all, because, after all, i've had a whole three years to learn. Urgh. Hairy scary again, but perhaps a worry for next week, once i've got through this one.

You'll be pleased to know I am feeling much calmer now, if still pretty nervous. We'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings, I suppose...